It is not easy to admit that I have been cheated on twice, two times out of the previous three relationships. I have analyzed this for years now… Is it because I am not good enough? Fat? Bad at Sex? Boring? Stupid? Is it because he could, and I just didn’t see it? Could I have prevented it?
But the question that gets me every time is, these men have considered themselves to be strong, moral, christian men. In fact, these two men went to church every Sunday, (or did they go elsewhere?) Where in the bible does it say it is ok to do these things? Of course it doesn’t… we all know that it’s part of the 10 commandments… even if they weren’t christian, it’s still in the other religions.
Also, Why are these single women, who often know how it feels to be dumped, cheated, or messed with, continue to do it to other women. Honestly, if you hate being cheated on when you are with a man, then why the hell would you participate, later on, in helping create an affair?
Tell me, why?
I am beyond furious.
An’ I will not carry myself down to die
When I go to my grave my head will be high,
I used to be good at this, writing my emotions, not caring what people think, if they even found this site. Now I am afraid people will, and know the real me. But when I was able to write what I thought, I was a little bit more at peace, I was able to write and think out my emotions. So I’m going to start doing this, or at least attempt to do so.
Earlier this month I found out some information about my ex. Information that made me ultimately feel like I was absolutely nothing, disgusting, and just betrayed and abused. This in effect ruined a relationship I was having with another guy, because I felt this way… and didn’t tell him, but rather, I pulled away. hard core.
Now i’m just a fucking mess. I dont’ know what I want. who I am. anything. I’m just tired. tired of life.
all of it … makes me realize all the shit that has occured, has been effected by one very small, pondscum of a person.
And somehow i’m supposed to learn a lesson from this…
Got home last night. Well actually the parents dropped me off in Suwanee where Paul was, and we hung out. Went and saw his family, which was great, and then went to Barnacles and got super cheap wings. :D I LOVE their wings. But as of right now, all food sounds disgusting.
Today, I found out some bad news, so Paul met up with me, and we hung out, he got a brand new laptop! and then went to eat at Sake Guru with me. Where, as usual, I ate too much, and am now in a food coma, with a japanese rice baby on the way. I said that in the restaurant, not really thinking, I hope it didn’t offend anyone…
Got my hair cut today. A lot shorter than I had planned, but whatever, it grows out. I was told that i was putting the correct shampoos and stuff in my hair… so i”m going to do a little research…. if I don’t fall asleep first.
Isn’t it odd when you are just sitting there, and all of a sudden you remember the dream from last night… totally just happened to me. I remember bits of it, like I am at a bar, with people from HIGH SCHOOL, and we sit there, in chairs. The chairs are like collapsible chairs, not very bar-ish, and there are no tables. So we sit there, and all of a sudden this new chick is sitting next to us, and we talk.
Next thing i know it’s my birthday, at this same bar, and we are celebrating with cake. Then the lady (who is nameless) comes over to me, hands me a piece of paper and says, “happy birthday”. I look at the paper and it’s a paypal instant transfer receipt showing that she sent me $180. Of course I’m excited, but completely confused, seeing that I didn’t know her some 30 mins earlier.
Then she proceeds to hand out more paper to all the friends, I think it was 7 other people. And they receive $80 … for the heck of it.
…scan to a parking lot, black top and a car. Not sure the color, make, or anything about the car, but we are speeding, and … that’s all I remember.
I mess around with the layout, font, colors, etc., but this time, I have decided to NOT do this. After attempting to make a “How I Met Your Mother” layout, and it dying, I gave up.
This is what my grandma said while asleep tonight, around 3:33 am. Hilarious, too bad there was no one here to share it with. To be honest, she actually talks A LOT while she is sleeping. I kinda found myself spitting while I was asleep… gross.
I am in the mountains, Sassafras Mountains, and there is barely any cell coverage. They do have internet connection, wireless at that, but it is so poor, that I get disconnected constantly, and have to sit in a certain spot, or publishing/editing becomes impossible. I guess that I should just disconnect from the outer world, while I am here, and just read… but I’ve been disconnected from the world for almost a week (from dog sitting), and I need my internet fix. Tomorrow I will read, and not much more.
I should have taken a picture, because I built a fire in the pit today. And it was a blazin’; and I am quite proud of myself. But then it started raining, and we had to stay inside. Oddly enough the down poor did NOT put my fire out. I’m not sure what ended up putting it out, but it wasn’t me. It’s also too bad that the house does not come with chocolate, and graham crackers, so no smores for me.
Anyway, I’m out. It’s late, and I’m tired.
Excited Event today: Paul got his car, finally!
Fun Event today: David and Sue came up to the cabin.
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